Funny quotes from famous people

funny quotes

FAMOUS QUOTES | FUNNY LIFE QUOTES | INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES THAT ARE FUNNY | QUOTES BY CELEBRITIES | GREATEST QUOTES OF ALL TIME

Enjoy these following funny quotes! Hope they’ll make you laugh and relax!

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”  Mark Twain

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford

“Even if you’re on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” Will Rogers

 “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” Will Ferrell

 “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.” Erma Bombeck

 “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” Paula Poundstone

funny quotes

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” Greg Tamblyn

“A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey.” Dolly Parton

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.” Spanish proverb

“I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” Unknown

“Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” C.E.M. Joad

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.“ Irish Quote

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” Jerry Seinfeld

“It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.”  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” Aldo Cammarota

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns

 “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” Rod Stewart

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates

“It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi

“A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results.” BC Forbes

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” Gandhi

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”  Bill Gates

funny quotes

 “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” Jay Trachman

“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” Harry Morgan

“Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.” Mitch Hedberg

“I don’t have a funny bone in my body; now I know why my surgeon’s bills are so high.” Rory R. Cuphist

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” Dwight D. Eisenhower

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” Woody Allen

“Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” Dennis Miller

 “If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” Andrew A. Rooney

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” Scott Adams

“The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.” Abraham Lincoln

“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” Peter Drucker

“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired.” Michel Tournier

“Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.” Charles M. Schulz

“Don’t do what you want. Do what you don’t want. Do what you’re trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most.” Chuck Palahniuk

“If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself.” Irish Proverbs

“I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.” Maya Angelou

“The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst.” Marge Kennedy

“A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.” Marty Allen

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” Tina Fey

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill

“My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you’re a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea. That’s the way to get an idea.” Andy Rooney

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 “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” Betty Reese

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” Jim Carrey

“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” Unknown

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”  Lemony Snicket

 “If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?” Lily Tomlin

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”  Michael Scott, The Office

“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.” Unknown

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” Unknown

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin

“I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin

“It ain’t over til it’s over.” Yogi Berra

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” Rodney Dangerfield

“For a politician to complain about the press is like a ship’s captain complaining about the sea.” Enoch Powell

“Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” Unknown

 “Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus

“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” Phil Pastoret

“I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger.”  Unknown

“Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.” Bernard Sahlins

 “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” Robert Benchley

 “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” Will Rogers

 “There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.”Robert Benchley

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’”  A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”  Zig Ziglar

“If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.” Confucius

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible!” Audrey Hepburn

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” Bill Murray

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” Linda Grayson

“Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.”  Unknown

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”  Truman Capote

“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” Thomas Sowell

“Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time.” Margaret Bonnano

funny quotes

“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.”  Unknown

“Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.” Dorothy Parker

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”  Oscar Wilde

“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.”  Unknown

“So long as your desire to explore is greater than your desire to not screw up, you’re on the right track.” Ed Helms

 “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” Phyllis Diller

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”  Abraham Lincoln

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.” Erma Bombeck

 “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” Dave Barry

“I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.”  Maya Angelou

 “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” Rodney Dangerfield

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” Charles M. Schulz

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” Will Ferrell

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” Will Rogers

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” Steven Wright

“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”  Robert Brault

 “Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” Leslie Nielsen

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” Unknown

“Do or do not. There is no try.” Yoda, from Star Wars

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